The Turkish movie where Captain America teams up with El Santo to battle the Evil Spider-Man.
... All without permission from the any from anyone who owns the rights to these characters.
When I heard that a Turkish film studio put out an unauthorized film in the 1970s where Captain America teams up with the Mexican wrestler to stop Spider-Man's Istanbul crime wave, I just knew that I had to track this crime-against-film down and watch it.
It was easy to find on Youtube, although I only found a low quality version without subtitles. And since I don't understand Turkish, I won't know what the heck is going on. But, I have a feeling that I wouldn't be able to figure out what was going on in this movie even if I did speak Turkish...
It starts with Evil Turkish Spider-Man, his red-haired gun moll, and his goons on the beach where they've buried a woman up to her head in sand and run her over with a boat. Evil Turkish Spider-Man wears ugly green outfit with a red hood, and a big red spider on the back.
Next, Evil Spider-Man stabs three random men to death with a switchblade. I assume they're supposed to be mobsters, since Evil-Spider-Man says "Audios mafia" (the only dialog in this movie I've understood so far) over their bleeding corpses. Spidey seems to have cashed in his super-powers in favor of becoming a homicidal maniac. Oh Spidey, you could have been an amazing homicidal maniac WITH your powers.
Then we go to a fashion show where I am almost expecting Evil-Spider-Man to jump out and start snapping the model's necks... but no. Instead,
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| I wish I knew what was going on. |
It is! Also Steve Rogers seems to have dyed his hair black and emigrated to Turkey. But that's probably enough nitpicking for now...
Turkish Captain America is a violent man. He jumps through the door and beats the living crap out of the whole gang and frees Jumpsuit Girl, all while Evil-Spider-Man watches outside from his hiding spot. When Turkish Captain America sees Evil Spidey, he chases him to a cemetery where he beats Evil Spidey up. But when Turkish Cap gets his foot stuck in a gravestone, Evil Spidey manages to escape. So embarrassing, I hate it when that happens. Anyway, it looks like we're gonna have a whole hour of movie left now.
And that makes Turkish El Santo sad. He gets introduced next when he is beating up an evil doer of his own... and dojo full of black belts. (In an actual lucha libre movie, it would've been a dojo full of little person black belts.)
When Evil Turkish Spider-Man finds out that both heroes are after him he is not happy. So naturally, he climbs through a random woman's bedroom window and strangles her in the bath with the shower sprayer. Then he steals an ugly statue on his way out of her house. I'm starting to wonder if this movie was written by Turkish J Jonah Jameson...
Then Turkish El Santo runs around town getting into fights with local thugs while not wearing his mask. Which is a sacrilege, the real El Santo never removed his mask! Otherwise how would the local thugs know to attack him? Similarly Turkish Captain-America spends a lot of time wearing a pinstripe suit that I think he must have taken from one of the gangsters he beat to death with his bare hands.
Next Evil Spidey has some fun by torturing some guy with a pair of rats. Then Turkish Captain America and Turkish Santo put on their costumes so they can beat up some gangsters in the basement of a strip club (I know they're gangster because they're wearing the same pinstipe suits Captain Ametica wears when he's off duty.) While the two heroes are distracted by beating up mobsters, Evil Spidey takes the opportunity to walk in on a couple fornicating in the shower and stab them to death and watch their blood flow down the drain. All in a days work for your friendly neighborhood Turkish Spider-Man!
Afterwords he fights both Turkish Captain America and Turkish El Santo. In two separate fights. How many Evil Spider-Men are there?
At least 3, because as soon as Turkish Captain America strangles his Evil Spidey, another one jumps out of the woodwork.
Make that at least 4...
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| Santo in the Chamber of Dead Spideys |
While Turkish Captain America is busy killing Evil Spidey #4 on the roof, Evil Spidey #5 shows up in the street below with a bag over one shoulder and gives an evil laugh before driving off in his car.
Later, when the two heroes are hanging out in the bar in their civilian clothes, a bunch of Evil Spidey's goons show up. After a giant bar fight, the goons haul Turkish Captain America and Turkish El Santo into their car. They drive them out to Evil Spidey's lair and lock them in the basement at gunpoint. Maybe Evil Spidey's had enough of this movie.
Turkish Cap and Turkish Santo manage to escape from the basement by fighting each other so the goons will let them out. (Yeah, that doesn't make any sense to me either, but in the movie it works.) Then the proceed to beat up all the goons to death. Once all of Evil-Spidey's henchmen and his red haired gun moll are dead, Turkish Captain America chases Evil Spidey through his lair while Turkish Santo stands watch over the dead henchmen. Turkish Cap kills Evil Spidey #5 with his bare hands. He kills Evil Spidey #6 by crushing his head in a press. #7 gets thrown into a machine and hung from the ceiling. #8 gets caught in a conveyor belt and crushed. #9 gets unmasked in the back of a police car.
This movie was at least as much fun to watch as it was awful. It's just so, so wrong. Turkish Captain America? Santo removing his mask? Evil homicidal Spider-Man? It's an awful film, but it's worth the view because of it.
